What's in a label?

[peroxidepirate]

The following is a Buffy-fandom-meta on sexual orientation, along with some personal stuff on the same subject. It's interspersed with snippets of what might one day grow up into a fanfic. Though I doubt it, because it's about Willow, and I identify with her so closely that's it's really hard for me to write her.

Comments (even questions) are welcome, as long as you're nice about it. :)

She knew he was single, and when their fingertips accidentally touched as they walked, it did send a thrill into the pit of her stomach (and points south), just like it used to.

The silence was comfortable, too, like it always had been. Until his hand started brushing hers more often, like maybe it wasn't quite an accident this time. Or this time. The thrill was still there, but this wasn't going to work. She had to say something. Stop this before he got the wrong idea.

"Oz, it's great to see you again, so don't take this the wrong way, but... I'm gay now."

Oz blinked. "You're what?"

Willow rolled her eyes. "You knew about me and Tara--"

"I knew you liked girls," he agreed. "But you're saying you only like girls?"

Willow sighed. "Things change, Oz."

"What about us? Didn't it mean anything?" His voice was steady, but she knew him well enough to read the anger in his eyes.

"Of course it did!" she quickly exclaimed. "It's just--"

"Didn't this mean anything?" And Oz grabbed her shoulders, pulling her into a dizzying kiss.

The intensity of it, the urgency, and the way his tongue slid into her mouth was nothing she hadn't experienced with Tara and then Kennedy. The shape of his body -- in particular, the hardness pressed against her belly -- was. It was alien, after so long, but familiar, too, with this man. And Willow was kissing him back.

He was the one who broke contact, finally, stepping back far enough to meet her gaze. His eyes were serious and sad. "You're telling me it wasn't good?"

"Of course it was good," she said softly, reaching up to run fingertips along his cheek. He'd shaved that morning, probably, and already his skin was rough with stubble. "But it's not who I am. It's not what I need anymore."

He swallowed, jaw going tight under her fingers like it always did when he was concentrating on control "Why not?"




And that's the question I can't answer. Not for Willow, not for myself. How are we both so sure that we'll never go back? There was all the sweetness of first love, and plenty of passion, and we know first hand that there are good guys out there. It's not that I didn't want him -- my "Oz," my end of high school/beginning of college boyfriend, the first and last guy I ever fell in love with. It's not that it wasn't good. It was fantastic.

But for some reason, it still wasn't enough. It still wasn't me.




"Remember, in Rome, when we had creme brulee for the first time?"

An expression of pure bliss came over Buffy's face. "Mmm-hmm."

"And you were all 'mother of God, how did I live 23 years without creme brulee?' That's what being with a woman is like for me."

"Not sure I want to ask, but... in what sense?"

Willow grinned. "It's this amazing thing I never even imagined until I got to experience it. And now there is nothing else that can compare. And being with a guy? It's like... that vanilla pudding that comes in a box."

"Will!" Buffy laughed.

Willow tucked her hair behind her ears. "I mean, pudding's pretty good, right? Especially if you're just craving something sweet. But once you've had creme brulee, it's like suddenly you see what the pudding was trying to be, and you know it will never be that good."

"You're comparing Oz to pudding?"

"Well..."

"Ooh!" Buffy interrupted. "Ok, for me it's like this. Being with a guy is like chocolate truffles."

Willow raised her eyebrows. "Which guy?"

Buffy shifted uncomfortably. "Well, there's all kinds of chocolate. All quality levels, you know? But that's beside the point! The thing is, I love chocolate. I will always take chocolate truffles, even over creme brulee. But sometimes... there is no chocolate. And there's Satsu, offering me a freshly-torched creme brulee, and, you know... any dessert is good dessert."

"But it's not just sex, either. I'm talking about the whole relationship experience." Willow frowned. "I loved Oz, Buffy, I really did. And Xander's pretty special, too. But what I felt with Tara... and Kennedy, and you, too, in a way... is a connection that's deeper and richer than anything I've ever felt with any guy. It can fill my whole life. How can I go back to anything less?"

"Wow." Buffy looked away, and then back at her best friend. "You really feel that way about me?"

Willow smiled. "I really do. Not all the time... but when we need each other? When it counts? Yes."



I suck at relationships. Statement of fact. It's something I should probably work on. But the truth is, to me, other things matter more. They always have and always will. I don't know if my culinary career equates to Willow's magic or the Scoobies' perennial job of saving the world, but the important thing is that the energy I'm willing and able to put into relationships is extremely limited.

More years ago than I care to count, I made a choice: being happy with my (female) best friend, giving up the guy I was dating (not my "Oz," but the next guy, the one I only pretended to love). Neither of them pushed me into choosing. I did it because I have the energy for exactly one serious relationship in my life. And she comes first.

I'm not comfortable with labels, so I don't call myself a lesbian. I also live with a straight woman who sleeps in the next room, and I already spend enough time explaining to people that I'd call her my girlfriend if that's what she was. But even so, my connection with her is more powerful and more complex than anything else in my life. My relationships with other women have also had, I don't know, a primacy that's been lacking from my relationships with men. I'm not speaking from a huge breadth of experience, but it's enough. I truly believe that I'll never want to spend my life with a man.

So how do I define myself? "I'm bisexual, I guess." "I'm mostly lesbian." "I haven't gone out with a guy in forever." Yeah, there's no easy answer to this one. I prefer honesty (and I'm not a TV character), so I tend to dodge the question unless I want to go into the whole story. But I completely get why Willow just says she's gay.

Comments

[gabrielleabelle.livejournal.com]

Sexuality is such a confusing topic. And I think every person has their own unique sexuality that's just hard to explain to others.

Like, I completely understand what you're saying, and I know other girls that have said similar things. But I don't get it. Guys, girls, they're equal in my eyes. Different, but each still just as desirable as the other. And I've had intense emotional connections with each. So I don't really get how other people aren't able to do the same.

But I hate the term "bisexual", so I usually go with "queer" or "gay". Or "equal-opportunity lover". Whatever.

I think a lot of the confusion with Willow comes from the fact that it's a TV show and having a bisexual character is a lot "edgier" than just having a lesbian character. So it appears that Willow "turned gay" somehow. Personally, I think there are several ways to explain this away (that she was always a lesbian or that she was always bisexual or that she truly did "turn gay" in college).

One thing I've come to learn, though, is to just take people at their word on this sort of stuff. Willow identifies as a lesbian, so she's a lesbian. I'm not gonna tell her (or anyone else) otherwise, no matter what their past experience. It's not really my place.

Honestly, my life improved the day I stopped pondering my sexuality and just started enjoying it. It's a pain in the ass to keep trying to label myself or place myself on that damned annoying Kinsey scale (that every straight person seems to refer to for some reason). Just be yourself and you'll be brilliant.

[peroxidepirate.livejournal.com]

Yeah, fuck the kinsey scale.

Actually I'm in kind of a weird place with this, because it's been a long time since I did ponder any of it. Then one day I kinda realized, 'huh. I don't really feel like I'm bisexual anymore, so maybe that's why I try not to say it.'

I still feel like it's a little bit... like, wrong somehow... to categorically say I don't connect with guys. There are 3+ billion guys on this planet, there could definitely be a few out there that I could connect with. But so far it hasn't happened.

The nice thing, though, is that I'm pondering without angst. Yay for being an adult instead of a teenager!

About Willow: half the fun of fandom is trying to reconcile the inconsistencies in the canon material, which is kind of what got me started on this whole subject in the first place.

Anyway, thanks for the comment & encouragement!

[gabrielleabelle.livejournal.com]

Yeah, fuck the kinsey scale.

Heh. So nice to meet a like-minded soul in that regard. :)

I guess I've kinda been where you are. I came out as bisexual in high school, and then started to label myself as a lesbian because I didn't think I was attracted to guys (I'm much pickier about guys than I am with girls, even today). Enter in a guy that I fell in love with and, well, that confused me to the point where I decided the labels didn't matter. I would just do what felt natural and not sweat the details. Though we are different as I've never thought of guys as the vanilla pudding box to the creme brulee of girls. :)

About Willow: half the fun of fandom is trying to reconcile the inconsistencies in the canon material, which is kind of what got me started on this whole subject in the first place.

Oh, true. That's just one inconsistency I don't feel the need to try to explain (Probably the only one, truth to tell). Mainly because I feel sexuality is fluid and individual anyway, so I don't bother speculating on other people's sexuality. I enjoy reading other people's thoughts on it, though, even if I don't have much to contribute.

[peroxidepirate.livejournal.com]

Though we are different as I've never thought of guys as the vanilla pudding box to the creme brulee of girls. :)

Um. Ok, that was exaggerated a bit for comic effect in the ficlet. But it *was* inspired by RL a conversation between a male linecook and a super-cute gay waitress about burgers and steaks.

Yeah, I relate pretty much everything to food.