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peroxidepirateThis is something I've been pondering, on and off, for a while: most everybody recognizes the "gay male voice" as a cultural trope. But is there a female equivalent? More thoughts, some restaurant stories & a poll under the cut.
First of all, apologies to bisexual and trans readers for the fact that I talk about both gender and sexual orientation as dualities throughout this entry. I know it's not that simple. Truth is, it's not that simple for me. But I'm mostly addressing the perception of sexual orientation, and we're usually perceived as either Normal or Other at any given time. Also, I'm just pulling this out of my ass, so please nobody take this too seriously.
A couple of months ago, I was hanging out with some co-workers, eating my lunch, near the host stand. A customer came in, had a conversation with the host, and was duly led to a table. The host, who happens to be gay, came back and said to one of the waiters who was hanging out -- who's also gay -- "What do you think, is he on our team?"
The waiter replied, "Oh yeah. I wasn't sure at first, but then he was like," mimicking the guy's tone of voice, "'There might be four of us. There might be, mmm, seven,' and..."
The host laughed. "Yeah, that totally gave it away."
My response was, "It's no fair that there's no dead giveaway like that for girls." Straight tomboys tend to hate being mistaken for lesbians, and I was burned by that several times when I was younger. So I'm very reluctant to publicly assume any woman is gay even if I think she is.
Then, a few days later, I was in the kitchen with my back to the door, chopping carrots or something. Somebody behind me asked for a side of salsa. I thought it was the girl I've had a crush on for the past four months, but when I turned around, it was another waitress. Who I don't know very well, hadn't (at that point) had an actual conversation with, and doesn't actually sound very much like my crush. But I mistook one woman's voice for the other, and I never doubted that the second waitress was gay, too.
Then I started thinking about some other things, which I'm gonna throw out here in no particular pattern:
The "gay male voice" is a learned behavior, and it's sometimes really obvious and sometimes fairly subtle. I had guy friends in high school who didn't sound "gay" at all, but then picked up the voice once they came out in college. I know men whose sexual orientation isn't obvious unless they want it to be, who selectively use the "gay voice" as a gesture of solidarity with each other (as happened a bit in the first anecdote above). But I know others who "sound gay" all the time, because -- learned or not -- that's what feels natural to them now.
I'm a chef, and I don't interact with customers all that much. But I've had a series of second jobs on top of that, many of which are customer service based. And I realized a while ago that when I'm doing the customer service thing, my voice changes. It gets higher, brighter, and there's something else I can't explain that changes a little bit. I don't know why, except that I worked crap retail jobs for a long time when I was younger, and I guess I learned I get a better response from customers if I'm that particular kind of cheerful and "normal." But it doesn't feel like I'm being myself. If my coworkers at these jobs find out I'm gay, they're usually surprised. At my main job, I get shit done, first and foremost, and don't worry much about what people think of me; I'm just myself. I've never done the official "coming out" thing and I no longer have rainbows stuck all over my stuff, but my coworkers there are more likely to be surprised to learn that I have dated men.
I may have mentioned that I live with my best friend, who's straight. We've been friends and roommates for a very long time; we're more like sisters than anything else. People who know her first almost always understand that right away. People who know me first, excepting women I flirt with, almost always assume that she's my girlfriend. I don't know why this happens. I'm not *that* butch, and my roommie isn't particularly girly. Based on appearance, I wouldn't expect relative strangers to be able to peg either of our sexual orientation with particular accuracy, but they almost always do. So it must be something else.
All of which make me wonder if the voice is a signal for women, too, albeit less blatantly than it often is for men.
What do you think?
[Poll #1486811]
Also: my flist isn't that big, so feel free to link this post if you think your flist or any comms would be interested. I'm an amateur cultural anthropologist collecting data, folks! The more participation, the better.
First of all, apologies to bisexual and trans readers for the fact that I talk about both gender and sexual orientation as dualities throughout this entry. I know it's not that simple. Truth is, it's not that simple for me. But I'm mostly addressing the perception of sexual orientation, and we're usually perceived as either Normal or Other at any given time. Also, I'm just pulling this out of my ass, so please nobody take this too seriously.
A couple of months ago, I was hanging out with some co-workers, eating my lunch, near the host stand. A customer came in, had a conversation with the host, and was duly led to a table. The host, who happens to be gay, came back and said to one of the waiters who was hanging out -- who's also gay -- "What do you think, is he on our team?"
The waiter replied, "Oh yeah. I wasn't sure at first, but then he was like," mimicking the guy's tone of voice, "'There might be four of us. There might be, mmm, seven,' and..."
The host laughed. "Yeah, that totally gave it away."
My response was, "It's no fair that there's no dead giveaway like that for girls." Straight tomboys tend to hate being mistaken for lesbians, and I was burned by that several times when I was younger. So I'm very reluctant to publicly assume any woman is gay even if I think she is.
Then, a few days later, I was in the kitchen with my back to the door, chopping carrots or something. Somebody behind me asked for a side of salsa. I thought it was the girl I've had a crush on for the past four months, but when I turned around, it was another waitress. Who I don't know very well, hadn't (at that point) had an actual conversation with, and doesn't actually sound very much like my crush. But I mistook one woman's voice for the other, and I never doubted that the second waitress was gay, too.
Then I started thinking about some other things, which I'm gonna throw out here in no particular pattern:
The "gay male voice" is a learned behavior, and it's sometimes really obvious and sometimes fairly subtle. I had guy friends in high school who didn't sound "gay" at all, but then picked up the voice once they came out in college. I know men whose sexual orientation isn't obvious unless they want it to be, who selectively use the "gay voice" as a gesture of solidarity with each other (as happened a bit in the first anecdote above). But I know others who "sound gay" all the time, because -- learned or not -- that's what feels natural to them now.
I'm a chef, and I don't interact with customers all that much. But I've had a series of second jobs on top of that, many of which are customer service based. And I realized a while ago that when I'm doing the customer service thing, my voice changes. It gets higher, brighter, and there's something else I can't explain that changes a little bit. I don't know why, except that I worked crap retail jobs for a long time when I was younger, and I guess I learned I get a better response from customers if I'm that particular kind of cheerful and "normal." But it doesn't feel like I'm being myself. If my coworkers at these jobs find out I'm gay, they're usually surprised. At my main job, I get shit done, first and foremost, and don't worry much about what people think of me; I'm just myself. I've never done the official "coming out" thing and I no longer have rainbows stuck all over my stuff, but my coworkers there are more likely to be surprised to learn that I have dated men.
I may have mentioned that I live with my best friend, who's straight. We've been friends and roommates for a very long time; we're more like sisters than anything else. People who know her first almost always understand that right away. People who know me first, excepting women I flirt with, almost always assume that she's my girlfriend. I don't know why this happens. I'm not *that* butch, and my roommie isn't particularly girly. Based on appearance, I wouldn't expect relative strangers to be able to peg either of our sexual orientation with particular accuracy, but they almost always do. So it must be something else.
All of which make me wonder if the voice is a signal for women, too, albeit less blatantly than it often is for men.
What do you think?
[Poll #1486811]
Also: my flist isn't that big, so feel free to link this post if you think your flist or any comms would be interested. I'm an amateur cultural anthropologist collecting data, folks! The more participation, the better.
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(no subject)
Date: 2009-11-18 03:30 am (UTC)Hrm, maybe I should have asked that in the poll. I'm sure it makes a difference. I know I have some straight friends who have pretty good gaydar, and others who are frighteningly oblivious.
"usually, if a woman does ping my gaydar, it's because of her appearance rather than voice."
I do think appearance is more likely to be accurate for this for women than it is for men -- it's just that it's still not that accurate.
"I've known far more gay males than I have lesbians"
Yes, but... are you sure about that? ;) Thanks for taking the poll & for commenting!
(no subject)
Date: 2009-11-18 03:54 am (UTC)Hee! You know, my mom has a really close friend whom I have known my entire life, and I have NO idea what her sexuality is. She's unmarried and has never had a relationship with either gender that I'm aware of. Based on appearance, I'd say she could be a lesbian, but who knows if I'm right? And at this point, I'm kind of embarrassed to ask, because I've known the woman for 25 years, so I feel like I should know.
Of course, another factor of being straight is that, while a random woman might ping my gaydar, I'm not terribly concerned with finding out if I'm right, whereas you'd want to be pretty sure before you go flirting with her. :) So my lesbian gaydar could be way off, and I just don't know it...