The Earshot Theorem

[peroxidepirate]

Buffy fans might remember the episode Earshot, in which a demon sting (or something) causes Buffy to develop telepathy; as a result, she learns that someone is planning a massacre at Sunnydale High. I'm thinking about that episode for two reasons: one, gabrielleabelle  runs a weekly episode poll, and this one is on "Earshot."

Two, it contains a quote I keep repeating to myself: 

"Everyone is ignoring your pain, because they're too busy with their own."

That's not always true, by any means. We, as humans, are very much capable of looking past our own pain and problems and drama, to see the problems other humans have and help them through -- and to see the good things that happen to others, and take joy in their joy. Empathy. It's a wonderful, wonderful thing.

But there are times when we can't, or shouldn't, focus on other people's pain. Because we are, or should be, busy with our own lives.

Sometimes I grumble and whine and put my pain out there (by posting here, or by venting to an RL friend) and I don't get the response I was hoping for. I remind myself that everyone is busy with their own pain; that a lack of response doesn't necessarily mean people don't care; it might just mean they have too many things to think about closer to home.

And sometimes my friends grumble and whine and express their pain and I don't have the energy to respond the way I'd like to. I don't always have the capacity to read and reply, or to listen and respond in an engaged way. That doesn't necessarily make me a bad friend or a bad person; sometimes it means I'm stretched too thin just taking care of myself.

On the good days, of course, we rise above that. We help each other through the bad times and take mutual joy in the good times.

On the bad days, remember the Earshot Theorem. It might keep you from adding another layer of misery on top of what's already there.

Comments

[kitty-ryan.livejournal.com]

I'd never heard that one. I like it very much.

(and know I am reading everything you write on this thing, even if I can't find the words every time. So, it's true! *grin*)

[peroxidepirate.livejournal.com]

Thank you! *grins also*

[coldthermistor.livejournal.com]

I like the Earshot Theorem a lot. I like yours even better though:

On the good days, of course, we rise above that. We help each other through the bad times and take mutual joy in the good times.

On the bad days, I remind myself that there is someone out there, with their own pain. My job's to pause, take another look, and say, 'That don't look like my brother. But maybe he is.'

[peroxidepirate.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks! I like your phrasing as well. :D

[q-sama.livejournal.com]

It's an important thing to remember. I always have to remind myself that the world is bigger than my woes. It sucks, but it's true.

Your take is a bit more optimistic/friendly, and so totally you. *hugs* Like Kit, I'm always reading and think about what you say, even if I have no response, or a different one from what you're looking for.

[peroxidepirate.livejournal.com]

I... am actually a little frightened that you see me as optimistic, when I feel like I have to try so hard not to just wallow in the bad stuff. But possibly all that trying does get me somewhere?

Anyway, thank you very much!

[q-sama.livejournal.com]

Perhaps "optimistic" is less accurate, and I meant "philanthropic" in the literal sense. I'm a curmudgeony misanthrope who overflows with vitriol aimed at all of humanity when I'm wallowing - so I see your approach as something... a little hopeful than my own. So either your efforts are working, or I'm skewed in my perception - or both. :D

[peroxidepirate.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, okay. I think I see what you mean.

ILU even if you're curmudgeony!

[q-sama.livejournal.com]

I so fail at words today, so I'm glad you could make some sense of it.

ILU too!! *snugs*

[green-maia.livejournal.com]

{{{*Hugs*}}}

[peroxidepirate.livejournal.com]

:D

*hugs back*

[cranky--crocus.livejournal.com]

I actually really like that. I will try to keep it in mind. Thank you for sharing it!

[peroxidepirate.livejournal.com]

:D

I thought you might.

[littlemissgriff.livejournal.com]

*points*

Yes.

Absolutely, hands down, true. It's not a bad thing, it's a survival tactic, and you're absolutely right that it's not a constant but the exception.

The other thing I remember here on LJ is that just because people don't respond doesn't mean they don't sympathize. They just don't know how to respond. '*hugs*' seems so trite and other times they may not know you well and feel like they're invading.

But yeah. So much agreement with this right now.

[peroxidepirate.livejournal.com]

"It's not a bad thing, it's a survival tactic, and you're absolutely right that it's not a constant but the exception."

Excellent way of putting it. Thank you for this.