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peroxidepiratePart 1 of the Commentary on Trickster's Pawn , my genderbending Tamora Pierce Tortall-verse AU, is under the cut.
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Some general stuff about this fic, before I get into specifics: Like everything else I've written in the past two months, this was for Smackdown. I wasn't going to write for the final, mostly because I didn't feel like I had anything original to say for either Raoul or Owen, and I was burnt out on writing just to meet a goal or win a competition.
But I was cheerleading a bit -- especially on the Owen thread, in hopes of countering some unsporting anti-Owen sentiment that was floating around.
And then![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
gracefulfallen posted a comment to the effect of, "wow, Owen has me writing het?" This cracked me up, especially since I'd written het smut for him in a previous round. Clearly, there's something unusual about him.
The obvious extension of this: maybe Owen's actually a girl.
At least three people said I should write it! (And have I mentioned that Goldenlake is the heart of all awesomeness?) Well, I tried. But Owen's charm is 100% boyish charm. It became almost immediately clear that he wasn't, and wouldn't ever be, a girl. So instead of a couple of quick, silly, girl!Owen drabbles, you get this.
Chapter 1
The year Kel was 15, all her friends seemed to be smitten with court ladies. Between their duties, the squires held parties whenever they could, inviting their favorites among the young noblewomen.
More than once that fall, Kel found herself sharing a bench or an alcove with Lady Wendy of Jesslaw, while the other squires and ladies danced. Wendy was not the type Kel would have guessed would be any young man's favorite, though Cleon and Esmond both danced with her occasionally. She was tall, for a girl, and solidly built. Her curly hair was in a constant state of disarray. She was quick to laugh, even at jokes that made other girls blush. She was apt to speak without thinking, and obviously uneasy in the gowns she wore. But she was the cousin of Kel's friend Iden, a first-year squire, and Kel supposed he felt obligated to invite her.
“I think I'll take a walk,” Wendy said, at a party one evening.
Kel looked around. The guests numbered twenty or so, half of whom were dancing. The other half were paired up, on couches or benches around the small banquet room. As was considered proper, there had been an equal number of men and women at the party's start, but two of the young men now seemed to be missing.
Kel stood when Wendy did. “Care for some company?”
This first bit is mostly to establish that Wendy is a whole lot like Owen, and also that there is some kind of social scene among squires and young ladies (which we see in Alanna's day, but not much in Kel's).
I mentioned that I messed with ages and family relationships a little. In canon, Owen is a year younger than Kel. But girls don't come to court until they're 15, and I didn't want to wait until Kel was 16 (her third year as a squire) to start this story, so I made them the same age. Later you'll see that I made one of Owen's cousins (Warric) into Wendy's brother: in canon, I think Owen is the heir to Jesslaw, but I didn't want to deal with Wendy being an heiress.
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Wendy led the way to the curtain wall. Kel swallowed hard, reminded herself she was not afraid, and followed the other girl up the stairs.
“Are you warm enough?” Kel asked. In her tunic and shirt, she was comfortable in the autumn breeze, but Wendy was wearing a sleeveless brocade robe over a dress that was probably silk.
“I'm fine,” Wendy answered, with customary cheerfulness.
Kel nodded, and they walked in silence for a while.
“Can I ask you something?” Kel said, after a while. “Did you come to court to make a, a match with a young man?”
“I didn't,” Wendy laughed. Then something changed in her expression, gray eyes going serious. “I'm already matched – like it or not.”
“I see.” Kel pondered that. “Do you know him? Your betrothed?”
“Not really. I met him once, at the convent. He came north after his Ordeal, last winter.” Wendy shrugged, looking away. “He seems nice enough.”
“But you don't love him.”
“Love?” She laughed again. “I could take it or leave it. But I don't want to be his wife. I don't want to be any man's wife. Ever.”
“You don't?” Kel asked, curious.
Wendy's expression was unreadable. Exasperated, somehow. And then she gripped Kel's arm, leaned in, and kissed her.
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The kiss left Kel breathless and weak-kneed, clutching at Wendy's shoulders. A tiny, rational part of her mind pointed out that this idea was all kinds of bad. She'd been careful to stay out of romantic entanglements, and away form the gossip they would inevitably bring, so far – she had plans, goals, a shield to win. And Wendy was promised to someone else. Maybe she didn't desire the match, but that was for the lady and her betrothed to sort out. Until they did, this was just wrong. But oh, it was pleasant.
“There,” Wendy said, after dragging her mouth away from Kel's. “Now do you understand?”
Kel blinked, trying to steady herself. Wendy was watching her, curls falling over her forehead, apprehensive but not a whit apologetic. “You... like kissing girls,” Kel fumbled.
Wendy's cheeks went pink, but she grinned. “Yes, I do. Do you?”
“I never even considered it before...” Kel said slowly. “But kissing you, just now...” She felt herself blushing, too. “It was nice. Very nice.”
Wendy met her eyes. “Kel, can you keep a secret?”
This bit, above, is pretty much self-explanatory. The exchange at the end merits a little discussion, though: I think Wen's had relationships with girls before, but none of them knew his secret. If Kel had said that she likes kissing girls, it's possible that Wen would've left it at that. But because Kel admits that she thinks of herself as straight (which is probably canon, though not -- obviously -- the way I usually write her), Wen can admit that he thinks of himself as a boy, without (as much) fear that Kel will reject him for that.
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“I'm not really a girl,” Wendy said.
“What?” Kel's eyes went automatically to her friend's chest, then the curve of her hips under her skirt.
Wendy drew in a huge, deep breath, let it out, and began to talk. “I mean, I am female. But inside – in my heart – I'm a boy.”
Kel wasn't sure what to say.
“It's more than just that I like kissing girls. More than hating dresses and facepaint and – " Wendy's gesture took in hair, clothes, and body. “ – all this. It's always been there. I can't change it. It happens, sometimes. They call it being tapped by the Trickster.”
Kel winced in sympathy. “Oh, Wen – “
“Stop,” Wendy said. “That's what I call myself. Owen.”
About the name: I like puns. I can't help it.
More seriously, I hope I'm handling this reasonably well. I'm writing from Kel's POV, of course, which is easy for me because in many ways, Kel is what I'd like to be like. So even though she's startled, she has the well-adjusted reaction I meant to have the first time I found out someone I knew was FTM (instead of just getting completely tongue-tied and nervous).
Wen's line about being tapped by the Trickster is where the fic gets its title, of course. The phrase comes from Bloodhound, which is set in Tortall a couple hundred years before Kel's story. I think it's a very apt description.
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Chapter 2
“Owen,” Kel said softly, trying out the name. Her friend looked back at her, gray eyes steady in her – no, his – ruddy face. Kel felt her perspective shift, just a little, and suddenly she understood everything that had been eluding her about Owen of Jesslaw. “That explains way more than it doesn't.”
She got a rueful smile in return. “Yeah, well.” He was so awkward in that silk dress, but now Kel pictured him in breeches and shirt – hands shoved into his pockets, looking at her with a boyish grin.
“If you can't change being female,” she said carefully, “might it be a little better if you weren't a lady? If you could be, I don't know, a Rider?” If you could have been a squire, she thought, but didn't say. Knighthood was expensive, and fifteen was (usually) too late to begin training.
“Of course. But Jesslaw needed this alliance with a neighboring fief. And it was all arranged when I was the only...” Owen gulped. “Only girl,” he finished.
So, this bit is to explain why, in the relatively liberal place that Tortall is during Kel's time as a squire, Wen has to be a lady in the first place. It's also the beginning of the (OMG) plot. (*dances* I wrote something with plot, even if it is a little flimsy!)
As for Kel adjusting so quickly to thinking of Wen as he instead of she... *shrugs* In my (admittedly limited) experience, that's not a hard adjustment to make, especially with someone you don't know terribly well.
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Kel's next question was, “What should I call you?”
Owen, or Wendy, shrugged. “Everyone calls me Wendy. I'm used to it.”
“But that's not what you call yourself,” Kel said. “It's not who you are.”
“I think I'd like it if you called me Owen... but wouldn't it be awkward? Having to remember two names, and when to use each? You might forget, sometime.”
“You're serious about keeping this secret?”
“At least for now. If it went around the Court...”
Kel sighed. She saw the point in that. “How about Wen? It could be short for Wendy, but we'd know it's short for Owen, too.”
This got a laugh. “It sounds like 'when' – the time.”
“Take your pick, then. Wendy, Owen, or Wen. It's up to you.”
“I guess Wen would be all right.”
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“Does anyone else know?” Kel asked.
Wen nodded. “A priest of the Trickster, in the City of the Gods – he's the one who helped me figure it out. And my brother.” Warric, a fourth-year page, was two years younger than Kel and Wen. If he knew, then... “Probably Iden. They tell each other everything. I imagine that's why Iden looks out for me like he does.”
Kel's heart broke for her friend, but he looked at her with frank self-assessment, not feeling sorry for himself at all.
“And there's nothing you can do?” Kel asked. “Except keep it hidden, and marry this man...”
“I don't know,” Wen replied. “I'm trying not to think about it. It was in Mother's will, that I shouldn't enter an arranged marriage before I'm 18 – so I have a few years.”
“We'll figure something out,” Kel said, seriously. “You'd be miserable.”
“I know.” Wen ducked his head, curls falling half over his face. Kel reached up, unthinking, and tucked the hair behind his ear.
His hand closed over hers, and sudden heat shot through her. He must have felt it, too, from the look he gave her. Boyish grin.
“For now, I plan on kissing girls every chance I get,” he said, still holding her hand.
“Girls?” Kel asked. “Or just a girl?”
“I guess that's up to you.”
Kel wrapped her free arm around Wen's neck and stepped closer, leaning her forehead against his. “Kiss me,” she said, “And I'll think about it.”
I think Kel's a touch out of character here. She should probably think about What It Means for a few months before she lets him kiss her again, or try to Just Be Friends, or something.
But quite honestly, this story could have easily been 15,000 words, if I'd had more time to spend on it. Instead it's less than 6,000, because I was hell-bent on finishing it by the end of Smackdown (March 31), and so we didn't have time for Kel's intimacy issues.
It's about here, too, that I began to realize just how much this story is about Wen, with Kel as the main supporting character (in more ways than one).
The next bit is just candy, though I had a lot of fun with the genderfuck aspect of it. (I'm not sure if Kel and Cleon already broke things off, or if they were never involved in the first place. Poor Cleon.)
Kel's back was against the wall, tunic catching on stone. Wen's arms around her waist held her steady, the silk of his sleeves warming against the twill of her tunic. She threaded the fingers of one hand into his hair, cradling the back of his head. Her other hand gripped his arm, just below the shoulder, as they kissed. His lips were warm and firm, tongue teasing against hers. Then he drew back, but when she would have complained at the loss of contact, he tilted his head down to kiss her neck. His tongue and then – very gently – his teeth brushed her skin. She shivered, pleasantly, at the sensation. Taken as a whole, the experience was, and wasn't, exactly what she'd expected when she daydreamed about such things.
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Chapter 3
“I've spent some time with your cousin a few times, lately,” Kel said casually.
Snow had begun to fall, so for the most part, weapons work had been moved indoors. In one of the practice courts, Kel and Iden had been sparring with staves. They were taking a breather, between bouts.
“Who, Warric?” Iden asked, eyes on the practice staff he was smoothing.
“Your other cousin.” Kel kept the irritation out of her voice – she was sure Iden knew exactly what was going on.
“You mean Wendy. I thought you two would get along.” He glanced up at Kel with a teasing grin that reminded her, a little, of Wen. “You have a lot in common.”
“We get along well enough,” Kel said forcing her voice to remain steady, “but we don't have that much in common.”
“No? You're both big, solid girls who aren't much for flirting and pretty things...”
“I like pretty things! I just happen to like using weapons, too.” She hesitated, wondering how much Iden actually knew and how much he only suspected. “And I'm happy being a girl, as long as I get to be a knight, too. Wen is just the opposite.”
This time Iden really looked at her. “I know. But none of can think of a thing to do about it.”
This scene establishes that Kel and Wen have a relationship, now. It's also Kel's first attempt at advocating on Wen's behalf, which I think is completely in character for the Protector of the Small.
Iden, unlike Kel, has known Wen(dy) all their lives. This gives him a different perspective on things. He accepts that his cousin is kind of butch, and he maybe knows about her(his) past girlfriends, too. But even though he knows Wen is transgendered, on some level he doesn't entirely understand it yet -- hence the attempt to sort out how much Kel and Wen have in common, and Kel's explanation.
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“What would happen,” Kel asked, “if you just refused to marry him?”
Wen blinked sleepily, rubbing a hand over his face. “Why are you thinking about that now?”
Kel rolled onto her stomach, propping her chin in her hands so she could look at Wen. “Because I hate knowing there's a limit on the time we have together.”
“Would you stay with me? If it was possible...?”
“Yes,” Kel said, fiercely.
Wen's face lit with joy, and he leaned up to kiss her, sheet falling away to expose smooth pink skin to the room's cool air.
She broke away after just a moment, and when Wen reached for her, Kel caught her – no, she reminded herself, his – wrists and pinned them at his sides. “Stop,” she said, though for a minute, she was half-laughing. “I'm entirely serious. What if you just told your father you won't do it?”
“I'd have to tell him why.”
So they were back to that. Kel let go of Wen's wrists, lacing her fingers through his, instead. “I think you'll have to, sooner or later, anyway. You're not made for keeping secrets.”
This is puppy-love, Kel saying (and for now, really believing) she'll stay with Wen as long as it's possible. Kel's occasional pronoun issues regarding Wen are mostly my attempt to subtly remind the reader that he is, still, physically female.
And Kel's trying to problem-solve, while Wen would rather not think about it because he can't see a way out. I seem to spend a lot of time dealing with friends who have problems they can't see a way past, so I think that's part of why I was so determined that this story should have a happy ending.
Kel's last line is kind of the essence of this story, and maybe even the essence of my Smackdown fics, collectively. Apparently spending a few years unintentionally passing as straight (not because I tried to, just because I didn't bother to do the "coming out" thing) was really not good for my psyche. You get to read about it, repeatedly, in fiction form.
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Third Company was called out early, that spring. Kel bid a reluctant goodbye to Wen, hoping against hope that summer would be good to her friend.
A few days later, Wen donned boys' clothes, pulled his hair into a horsetail, and made for the Riders' training yard. A Rider directed him to Commander Buri's office, and he knocked, hesitantly, on the open door.
“Commander?”
“Yes?” Buri looked up from her paperwork. “Come in. What can I do for you?”
“I'd like to join up with the Riders, ma'am. I'm... Wen of Jesslaw.”
“Wen?” Buri scrutinized him for a moment. “Do your people approve of your plans?”
“Yes, ma'am,” Wen lied, with no hesitation. “My marriage is arranged, but it's not for a few years, yet. Until then, I'm free to do as I please. And it would please me to serve the crown.”
“I see.” She was still peering at him. “Don't take this the wrong way,” she said at last, "but Wen is a very unusual name."
“It's short for Wendy,” he said, cheeks flushing.
The commander grinned, unexpectedly. “All right. Meet me here at sunup tomorrow, ready to work, and we'll see what you can do.”
This scene is the only one I changed between my first posting and now. Originally, I had Buri asking Wen, "Are you a boy or a girl?" I got some comments (for which I am extremely grateful) on the harshness of that question, which really wasn't my intent. The purpose of the question was to indicate that, when dressed in androgynous clothing, Wen doesn't come off as obviously female. Again, if I'd put in the time to make this a novella-length story, I would have handled this more completely.
I actually wanted to show Buri as a sympathetic character who realizes there's something a little, well, queer about Wen, and is taking that into consideration. Mostly she'd try not to accept a noble teenager who's awaiting an arranged marriage into the riders (because of the reasons Wen's relations mention in the next scene). But she knows arranged marriages are hard, especially for girls, and especially if they're not at home with the straight femininity expected of a noble lady.
At some point, I think I need to write a meta on my version of Buri; for now, I hope this explains things a little.
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The knock on Wen's door came the day before he was to move his things to the Riders' barracks. It was his brother, Warric, and his cousin, Iden. He let them in, with the minimum of pleasantries, already guessing what they were about.
“Wendy, what's this about you joining the Riders?” Warric asked.
Wen shrugged. “It sounded like fun. Hunting bandits and the like.”
“But you're betrothed to Edgar of Pike's Hill,” Warric countered.
“And? The wedding's not for another three years. Am I supposed to just sit around until then?”
“You should be... planning it... and things,” Iden fumbled.
Wen laughed, looking at him with an expression of amused incomprehension. After a few seconds, Warric chuckled, too.
“I know,” Iden admitted. “Stupid idea. But Wendy, you could get killed out there.”
“He's right,” Warric agreed. “You're my sister. I can't – “
“You're my brother,” Wen argued. “And you're going to be a knight. It's the same.”
“It's not... ok, maybe it is. But what about Sir Edgar?”
“Lord Edgar,” Iden put in. “His father died at Samhien, remember?”
Warric glared at his cousin, before talking to Wen again. “Even more reason Jesslaw needs this alliance. If you die – “
“Then Jesslaw will have to find some other way,” Wen said, flatly.
“What, talk Margot into abandoning her commitment to the Goddess, so she can marry him?” Iden asked, laughing.
Wen sighed. Their younger sister had been devoted to the Mother Goddess, practically since she was born; at ten, she was already training to be a priestess.
“Maybe Father will remarry and have another daughter,” Wen said.
Iden opened his mouth, but Warric cuffed him before he could start to talk. “You never know,” he said, clapping Wen on the back.
Wen sighed. It was hopeless, and they both knew it. “I'm sorry,” he said, miserably. “I'll try my best not to get killed out there. For Jesslaw.”
This is Warric and Iden, trying to talk Wen out of putting himself in harm's way, and giving you a little background on the family situation. Wen's torn between doing his duty to his fief, and being true to himself. He's resigned to the arranged marriage, but he's also decided, with Kel's encouragement, that he's going to make his own decisions until then.
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Chapter 4
Autumn brought Third Company back to Corus. Kel was still getting settled in her quarters, tripping over dog and sparrows every other moment, when a young man appeared in the half-open doorway.
“Can I help you?” she asked, barely looking up from her unpacking. The visitor was probably her own age, his skin tan from outdoor work, hair pulled back from his face.
“Kel?” he asked, in a voice she knew extremely well.
The slate she was holding slid from her hands, cracking in two when it hit the floor. “Wen!”
Then she was in his arms, kissing hello with familiar enthusiasm. “Let me look at you,” Kel said, when they stopped to breathe. “I didn't recognize you. What have you been up to?”
“I joined the Riders,” Wen said, with a grin. “And I wrote to my father.”
He said the last with high seriousness. Kel cupped his cheek. “Wen, did you..?”
“I didn't tell him,” he said. “Not yet. But I asked him to come to Corus. Just a couple of weeks ago. I told him I joined the Riders. And I told him I had some other news.”
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“Goddess, I missed this,” Kel gasped. Wen's tongue slid over her skin, hot and insistant, in all the ways she loved best. “This is even better than I remembered...” Her words trailed off, voice lost in another gasp.
Suddenly she gripped Wen's shoulders, harder. “Have you been practicing on other girls?”
“Never,” came the answer, in a serious whisper. “Kel, there's nobody like you.” When he spoke, his breath tickled her skin; between phrases, he kissed and sucked and nipped, and the combination nearly drove her mad. “You're the first girl who really looked at me. You've watched out for me. Protected me. You're terrific. I would never, never, do a thing to hurt you.”
For a moment guilt twisted Kel's heart, as she remembered the way another young man had made her feel, that summer.
Then a flick of his tongue brought her back to the moment. “Owen,” she cried, forgetting everything else.
This is more candy. It also draws a line between the way Kel looks out for Wen in this story, and the way canon!Kel and Owen became friends because she was helping him fight bullies. When you get down to it, I think Wen and canon!Owen pretty much feel the same way about Squire Kel.
This scene also alludes to canon!Kel's crush on Dom, and her worry that she's too fickle to be in a serious relationship. Which is maybe foreshadowing (*gasp* more plot!).
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They sat up, face to face, in Kel's bed. She leaned forward to kiss Wen, tasting herself on his lips. She deepened the kiss, leaning forward as she slid her hands down his chest. This time, he didn't try to push her away. She palmed Wen's breasts, small and firm in her hands, and from the response she got, plenty sensitive. “Feels good, doesn't it?” she asked, voice teasingly low.
“Of course it does,” came the answer, almost a groan. “I didn't think you'd want to....”
“Of course I want to.” Kel kissed her way lower, down Wen's chest and stomach, as she trailed fingers between Wen's thighs. He'd changed over the summer – become so much easier in his own skin, even if it would never be what he really wanted – and she was both flattered and excited that he trusted her enough for this. She moved lower yet, mouth never breaking contact, and Wen gasped out her name.
This scene, I'm really not sure I'm qualified to write, but here it is. It makes sense to me that the less Wen has to pretend to be something he's not, the more he'd be able to accept the physical aspect of himself, which he can't change -- so now that he's a rider, instead of pretending to be a lady, it makes zero difference whether he's a boy or a girl, so Kel can make love to him and he can enjoy it. (Again, I'm guessing at this, and I hope it came out the way I meant it.)
I mentioned that, in this story, I see Kel as fundamentally straight. But right now, she's crazy in love with Wen, and sometimes that's enough to supercede a preference for the other sex. If she's honest with herself, she'd probably prefer it if he was physically male -- but he's not, and she's in love with him anyway, and it works. At least for now. (For what it's worth, I don't know how common this response is, but this is an instance where I'm drawing on personal experience, a bit.)
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Kel found Wen sitting at a table in the Riders' mess hall, reading a letter. The expression on his face was intent, so she sat down without interrupting.
“I can't believe it!” he shrieked, suddenly, crumpling the letter in his haste to stand up.
“What..?” she asked, as he hauled her to her feet and enfolded her in a tight hug.
“Kel, look!”
The letter was thrust into Kel's hand, and she began to read.
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Dear Wendy,
I hope you are well. I received your letter, with its surprising news. As your father, I wish you'd seen your way to discussing your decision with me before you went and joined up. But you're a sensible girl, and I suppose you must have a reason for doing it the way you did. I know you've always been good with animals, and a fair shot with a bow, both of which ought to help you now.
I happened to get your letter just when I have some news of my own. You know Lord Edward of Pike's Hill passed on late in the year. In the months since then, I've worked closely with Edward's widow, Lady Andrea, helping her to manage things. You know I've always said it would make more sense to manage Jesslaw and Pike's Hill jointly, instead of as two separate fiefs? Well, we've been doing just that.
And in the process of working together, we fell in love.
Lady Andrea and I were married at the harvest celebration. I know you'll join your brother and sister in wishing us well, and in welcoming your new stepmother when we come to Corus for Midwinter.
There's one other thing, which applies to you, particularly. Wendy, your betrothal to Lord Edgar must be called off: since he is the son of your father's lady wife, he is now, in the eyes of the law, your brother.
I know a betrothal is a serious thing, and Andrea and I considered this carefully. But we love each other very much, well neither you nor Edgar has ever shown a particular desire for the match, beyond a willingness to do your duty to your respective fiefs. Andrea and I agreed that this would be best for everyone. We've written Edgar to let him know, as well.
As I said, we'll be in Corus soon. You're my daughter, Wendy, and Andrea and I will do our best to help you make another match – if that's what you want. But first, perhaps you'd better tell us the piece of news that's even bigger than joining the Riders. Then we'll decide how to proceed.
All my love,
Father
It took me a while to find a way out of Wen's betrothal, and I know this is pretty contrived. But sometimes people do have good luck; sometimes things work out the way you hope. Possibly, I'd have handled it better if I'd been able to put in more time. On the other hand, maybe I wouldn't have, since my goal all along was for this to end well, for all involved.
I really don't think there's anything more I could possibly say about the first half of this fic.
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Commentary on part 2 is here.
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Some general stuff about this fic, before I get into specifics: Like everything else I've written in the past two months, this was for Smackdown. I wasn't going to write for the final, mostly because I didn't feel like I had anything original to say for either Raoul or Owen, and I was burnt out on writing just to meet a goal or win a competition.
But I was cheerleading a bit -- especially on the Owen thread, in hopes of countering some unsporting anti-Owen sentiment that was floating around.
And then
gracefulfallen posted a comment to the effect of, "wow, Owen has me writing het?" This cracked me up, especially since I'd written het smut for him in a previous round. Clearly, there's something unusual about him.The obvious extension of this: maybe Owen's actually a girl.
At least three people said I should write it! (And have I mentioned that Goldenlake is the heart of all awesomeness?) Well, I tried. But Owen's charm is 100% boyish charm. It became almost immediately clear that he wasn't, and wouldn't ever be, a girl. So instead of a couple of quick, silly, girl!Owen drabbles, you get this.
Chapter 1
The year Kel was 15, all her friends seemed to be smitten with court ladies. Between their duties, the squires held parties whenever they could, inviting their favorites among the young noblewomen.
More than once that fall, Kel found herself sharing a bench or an alcove with Lady Wendy of Jesslaw, while the other squires and ladies danced. Wendy was not the type Kel would have guessed would be any young man's favorite, though Cleon and Esmond both danced with her occasionally. She was tall, for a girl, and solidly built. Her curly hair was in a constant state of disarray. She was quick to laugh, even at jokes that made other girls blush. She was apt to speak without thinking, and obviously uneasy in the gowns she wore. But she was the cousin of Kel's friend Iden, a first-year squire, and Kel supposed he felt obligated to invite her.
“I think I'll take a walk,” Wendy said, at a party one evening.
Kel looked around. The guests numbered twenty or so, half of whom were dancing. The other half were paired up, on couches or benches around the small banquet room. As was considered proper, there had been an equal number of men and women at the party's start, but two of the young men now seemed to be missing.
Kel stood when Wendy did. “Care for some company?”
This first bit is mostly to establish that Wendy is a whole lot like Owen, and also that there is some kind of social scene among squires and young ladies (which we see in Alanna's day, but not much in Kel's).
I mentioned that I messed with ages and family relationships a little. In canon, Owen is a year younger than Kel. But girls don't come to court until they're 15, and I didn't want to wait until Kel was 16 (her third year as a squire) to start this story, so I made them the same age. Later you'll see that I made one of Owen's cousins (Warric) into Wendy's brother: in canon, I think Owen is the heir to Jesslaw, but I didn't want to deal with Wendy being an heiress.
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Wendy led the way to the curtain wall. Kel swallowed hard, reminded herself she was not afraid, and followed the other girl up the stairs.
“Are you warm enough?” Kel asked. In her tunic and shirt, she was comfortable in the autumn breeze, but Wendy was wearing a sleeveless brocade robe over a dress that was probably silk.
“I'm fine,” Wendy answered, with customary cheerfulness.
Kel nodded, and they walked in silence for a while.
“Can I ask you something?” Kel said, after a while. “Did you come to court to make a, a match with a young man?”
“I didn't,” Wendy laughed. Then something changed in her expression, gray eyes going serious. “I'm already matched – like it or not.”
“I see.” Kel pondered that. “Do you know him? Your betrothed?”
“Not really. I met him once, at the convent. He came north after his Ordeal, last winter.” Wendy shrugged, looking away. “He seems nice enough.”
“But you don't love him.”
“Love?” She laughed again. “I could take it or leave it. But I don't want to be his wife. I don't want to be any man's wife. Ever.”
“You don't?” Kel asked, curious.
Wendy's expression was unreadable. Exasperated, somehow. And then she gripped Kel's arm, leaned in, and kissed her.
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The kiss left Kel breathless and weak-kneed, clutching at Wendy's shoulders. A tiny, rational part of her mind pointed out that this idea was all kinds of bad. She'd been careful to stay out of romantic entanglements, and away form the gossip they would inevitably bring, so far – she had plans, goals, a shield to win. And Wendy was promised to someone else. Maybe she didn't desire the match, but that was for the lady and her betrothed to sort out. Until they did, this was just wrong. But oh, it was pleasant.
“There,” Wendy said, after dragging her mouth away from Kel's. “Now do you understand?”
Kel blinked, trying to steady herself. Wendy was watching her, curls falling over her forehead, apprehensive but not a whit apologetic. “You... like kissing girls,” Kel fumbled.
Wendy's cheeks went pink, but she grinned. “Yes, I do. Do you?”
“I never even considered it before...” Kel said slowly. “But kissing you, just now...” She felt herself blushing, too. “It was nice. Very nice.”
Wendy met her eyes. “Kel, can you keep a secret?”
This bit, above, is pretty much self-explanatory. The exchange at the end merits a little discussion, though: I think Wen's had relationships with girls before, but none of them knew his secret. If Kel had said that she likes kissing girls, it's possible that Wen would've left it at that. But because Kel admits that she thinks of herself as straight (which is probably canon, though not -- obviously -- the way I usually write her), Wen can admit that he thinks of himself as a boy, without (as much) fear that Kel will reject him for that.
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“I'm not really a girl,” Wendy said.
“What?” Kel's eyes went automatically to her friend's chest, then the curve of her hips under her skirt.
Wendy drew in a huge, deep breath, let it out, and began to talk. “I mean, I am female. But inside – in my heart – I'm a boy.”
Kel wasn't sure what to say.
“It's more than just that I like kissing girls. More than hating dresses and facepaint and – " Wendy's gesture took in hair, clothes, and body. “ – all this. It's always been there. I can't change it. It happens, sometimes. They call it being tapped by the Trickster.”
Kel winced in sympathy. “Oh, Wen – “
“Stop,” Wendy said. “That's what I call myself. Owen.”
About the name: I like puns. I can't help it.
More seriously, I hope I'm handling this reasonably well. I'm writing from Kel's POV, of course, which is easy for me because in many ways, Kel is what I'd like to be like. So even though she's startled, she has the well-adjusted reaction I meant to have the first time I found out someone I knew was FTM (instead of just getting completely tongue-tied and nervous).
Wen's line about being tapped by the Trickster is where the fic gets its title, of course. The phrase comes from Bloodhound, which is set in Tortall a couple hundred years before Kel's story. I think it's a very apt description.
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Chapter 2
“Owen,” Kel said softly, trying out the name. Her friend looked back at her, gray eyes steady in her – no, his – ruddy face. Kel felt her perspective shift, just a little, and suddenly she understood everything that had been eluding her about Owen of Jesslaw. “That explains way more than it doesn't.”
She got a rueful smile in return. “Yeah, well.” He was so awkward in that silk dress, but now Kel pictured him in breeches and shirt – hands shoved into his pockets, looking at her with a boyish grin.
“If you can't change being female,” she said carefully, “might it be a little better if you weren't a lady? If you could be, I don't know, a Rider?” If you could have been a squire, she thought, but didn't say. Knighthood was expensive, and fifteen was (usually) too late to begin training.
“Of course. But Jesslaw needed this alliance with a neighboring fief. And it was all arranged when I was the only...” Owen gulped. “Only girl,” he finished.
So, this bit is to explain why, in the relatively liberal place that Tortall is during Kel's time as a squire, Wen has to be a lady in the first place. It's also the beginning of the (OMG) plot. (*dances* I wrote something with plot, even if it is a little flimsy!)
As for Kel adjusting so quickly to thinking of Wen as he instead of she... *shrugs* In my (admittedly limited) experience, that's not a hard adjustment to make, especially with someone you don't know terribly well.
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Kel's next question was, “What should I call you?”
Owen, or Wendy, shrugged. “Everyone calls me Wendy. I'm used to it.”
“But that's not what you call yourself,” Kel said. “It's not who you are.”
“I think I'd like it if you called me Owen... but wouldn't it be awkward? Having to remember two names, and when to use each? You might forget, sometime.”
“You're serious about keeping this secret?”
“At least for now. If it went around the Court...”
Kel sighed. She saw the point in that. “How about Wen? It could be short for Wendy, but we'd know it's short for Owen, too.”
This got a laugh. “It sounds like 'when' – the time.”
“Take your pick, then. Wendy, Owen, or Wen. It's up to you.”
“I guess Wen would be all right.”
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“Does anyone else know?” Kel asked.
Wen nodded. “A priest of the Trickster, in the City of the Gods – he's the one who helped me figure it out. And my brother.” Warric, a fourth-year page, was two years younger than Kel and Wen. If he knew, then... “Probably Iden. They tell each other everything. I imagine that's why Iden looks out for me like he does.”
Kel's heart broke for her friend, but he looked at her with frank self-assessment, not feeling sorry for himself at all.
“And there's nothing you can do?” Kel asked. “Except keep it hidden, and marry this man...”
“I don't know,” Wen replied. “I'm trying not to think about it. It was in Mother's will, that I shouldn't enter an arranged marriage before I'm 18 – so I have a few years.”
“We'll figure something out,” Kel said, seriously. “You'd be miserable.”
“I know.” Wen ducked his head, curls falling half over his face. Kel reached up, unthinking, and tucked the hair behind his ear.
His hand closed over hers, and sudden heat shot through her. He must have felt it, too, from the look he gave her. Boyish grin.
“For now, I plan on kissing girls every chance I get,” he said, still holding her hand.
“Girls?” Kel asked. “Or just a girl?”
“I guess that's up to you.”
Kel wrapped her free arm around Wen's neck and stepped closer, leaning her forehead against his. “Kiss me,” she said, “And I'll think about it.”
I think Kel's a touch out of character here. She should probably think about What It Means for a few months before she lets him kiss her again, or try to Just Be Friends, or something.
But quite honestly, this story could have easily been 15,000 words, if I'd had more time to spend on it. Instead it's less than 6,000, because I was hell-bent on finishing it by the end of Smackdown (March 31), and so we didn't have time for Kel's intimacy issues.
It's about here, too, that I began to realize just how much this story is about Wen, with Kel as the main supporting character (in more ways than one).
The next bit is just candy, though I had a lot of fun with the genderfuck aspect of it. (I'm not sure if Kel and Cleon already broke things off, or if they were never involved in the first place. Poor Cleon.)
Kel's back was against the wall, tunic catching on stone. Wen's arms around her waist held her steady, the silk of his sleeves warming against the twill of her tunic. She threaded the fingers of one hand into his hair, cradling the back of his head. Her other hand gripped his arm, just below the shoulder, as they kissed. His lips were warm and firm, tongue teasing against hers. Then he drew back, but when she would have complained at the loss of contact, he tilted his head down to kiss her neck. His tongue and then – very gently – his teeth brushed her skin. She shivered, pleasantly, at the sensation. Taken as a whole, the experience was, and wasn't, exactly what she'd expected when she daydreamed about such things.
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Chapter 3
“I've spent some time with your cousin a few times, lately,” Kel said casually.
Snow had begun to fall, so for the most part, weapons work had been moved indoors. In one of the practice courts, Kel and Iden had been sparring with staves. They were taking a breather, between bouts.
“Who, Warric?” Iden asked, eyes on the practice staff he was smoothing.
“Your other cousin.” Kel kept the irritation out of her voice – she was sure Iden knew exactly what was going on.
“You mean Wendy. I thought you two would get along.” He glanced up at Kel with a teasing grin that reminded her, a little, of Wen. “You have a lot in common.”
“We get along well enough,” Kel said forcing her voice to remain steady, “but we don't have that much in common.”
“No? You're both big, solid girls who aren't much for flirting and pretty things...”
“I like pretty things! I just happen to like using weapons, too.” She hesitated, wondering how much Iden actually knew and how much he only suspected. “And I'm happy being a girl, as long as I get to be a knight, too. Wen is just the opposite.”
This time Iden really looked at her. “I know. But none of can think of a thing to do about it.”
This scene establishes that Kel and Wen have a relationship, now. It's also Kel's first attempt at advocating on Wen's behalf, which I think is completely in character for the Protector of the Small.
Iden, unlike Kel, has known Wen(dy) all their lives. This gives him a different perspective on things. He accepts that his cousin is kind of butch, and he maybe knows about her(his) past girlfriends, too. But even though he knows Wen is transgendered, on some level he doesn't entirely understand it yet -- hence the attempt to sort out how much Kel and Wen have in common, and Kel's explanation.
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“What would happen,” Kel asked, “if you just refused to marry him?”
Wen blinked sleepily, rubbing a hand over his face. “Why are you thinking about that now?”
Kel rolled onto her stomach, propping her chin in her hands so she could look at Wen. “Because I hate knowing there's a limit on the time we have together.”
“Would you stay with me? If it was possible...?”
“Yes,” Kel said, fiercely.
Wen's face lit with joy, and he leaned up to kiss her, sheet falling away to expose smooth pink skin to the room's cool air.
She broke away after just a moment, and when Wen reached for her, Kel caught her – no, she reminded herself, his – wrists and pinned them at his sides. “Stop,” she said, though for a minute, she was half-laughing. “I'm entirely serious. What if you just told your father you won't do it?”
“I'd have to tell him why.”
So they were back to that. Kel let go of Wen's wrists, lacing her fingers through his, instead. “I think you'll have to, sooner or later, anyway. You're not made for keeping secrets.”
This is puppy-love, Kel saying (and for now, really believing) she'll stay with Wen as long as it's possible. Kel's occasional pronoun issues regarding Wen are mostly my attempt to subtly remind the reader that he is, still, physically female.
And Kel's trying to problem-solve, while Wen would rather not think about it because he can't see a way out. I seem to spend a lot of time dealing with friends who have problems they can't see a way past, so I think that's part of why I was so determined that this story should have a happy ending.
Kel's last line is kind of the essence of this story, and maybe even the essence of my Smackdown fics, collectively. Apparently spending a few years unintentionally passing as straight (not because I tried to, just because I didn't bother to do the "coming out" thing) was really not good for my psyche. You get to read about it, repeatedly, in fiction form.
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Third Company was called out early, that spring. Kel bid a reluctant goodbye to Wen, hoping against hope that summer would be good to her friend.
A few days later, Wen donned boys' clothes, pulled his hair into a horsetail, and made for the Riders' training yard. A Rider directed him to Commander Buri's office, and he knocked, hesitantly, on the open door.
“Commander?”
“Yes?” Buri looked up from her paperwork. “Come in. What can I do for you?”
“I'd like to join up with the Riders, ma'am. I'm... Wen of Jesslaw.”
“Wen?” Buri scrutinized him for a moment. “Do your people approve of your plans?”
“Yes, ma'am,” Wen lied, with no hesitation. “My marriage is arranged, but it's not for a few years, yet. Until then, I'm free to do as I please. And it would please me to serve the crown.”
“I see.” She was still peering at him. “Don't take this the wrong way,” she said at last, "but Wen is a very unusual name."
“It's short for Wendy,” he said, cheeks flushing.
The commander grinned, unexpectedly. “All right. Meet me here at sunup tomorrow, ready to work, and we'll see what you can do.”
This scene is the only one I changed between my first posting and now. Originally, I had Buri asking Wen, "Are you a boy or a girl?" I got some comments (for which I am extremely grateful) on the harshness of that question, which really wasn't my intent. The purpose of the question was to indicate that, when dressed in androgynous clothing, Wen doesn't come off as obviously female. Again, if I'd put in the time to make this a novella-length story, I would have handled this more completely.
I actually wanted to show Buri as a sympathetic character who realizes there's something a little, well, queer about Wen, and is taking that into consideration. Mostly she'd try not to accept a noble teenager who's awaiting an arranged marriage into the riders (because of the reasons Wen's relations mention in the next scene). But she knows arranged marriages are hard, especially for girls, and especially if they're not at home with the straight femininity expected of a noble lady.
At some point, I think I need to write a meta on my version of Buri; for now, I hope this explains things a little.
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The knock on Wen's door came the day before he was to move his things to the Riders' barracks. It was his brother, Warric, and his cousin, Iden. He let them in, with the minimum of pleasantries, already guessing what they were about.
“Wendy, what's this about you joining the Riders?” Warric asked.
Wen shrugged. “It sounded like fun. Hunting bandits and the like.”
“But you're betrothed to Edgar of Pike's Hill,” Warric countered.
“And? The wedding's not for another three years. Am I supposed to just sit around until then?”
“You should be... planning it... and things,” Iden fumbled.
Wen laughed, looking at him with an expression of amused incomprehension. After a few seconds, Warric chuckled, too.
“I know,” Iden admitted. “Stupid idea. But Wendy, you could get killed out there.”
“He's right,” Warric agreed. “You're my sister. I can't – “
“You're my brother,” Wen argued. “And you're going to be a knight. It's the same.”
“It's not... ok, maybe it is. But what about Sir Edgar?”
“Lord Edgar,” Iden put in. “His father died at Samhien, remember?”
Warric glared at his cousin, before talking to Wen again. “Even more reason Jesslaw needs this alliance. If you die – “
“Then Jesslaw will have to find some other way,” Wen said, flatly.
“What, talk Margot into abandoning her commitment to the Goddess, so she can marry him?” Iden asked, laughing.
Wen sighed. Their younger sister had been devoted to the Mother Goddess, practically since she was born; at ten, she was already training to be a priestess.
“Maybe Father will remarry and have another daughter,” Wen said.
Iden opened his mouth, but Warric cuffed him before he could start to talk. “You never know,” he said, clapping Wen on the back.
Wen sighed. It was hopeless, and they both knew it. “I'm sorry,” he said, miserably. “I'll try my best not to get killed out there. For Jesslaw.”
This is Warric and Iden, trying to talk Wen out of putting himself in harm's way, and giving you a little background on the family situation. Wen's torn between doing his duty to his fief, and being true to himself. He's resigned to the arranged marriage, but he's also decided, with Kel's encouragement, that he's going to make his own decisions until then.
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Chapter 4
Autumn brought Third Company back to Corus. Kel was still getting settled in her quarters, tripping over dog and sparrows every other moment, when a young man appeared in the half-open doorway.
“Can I help you?” she asked, barely looking up from her unpacking. The visitor was probably her own age, his skin tan from outdoor work, hair pulled back from his face.
“Kel?” he asked, in a voice she knew extremely well.
The slate she was holding slid from her hands, cracking in two when it hit the floor. “Wen!”
Then she was in his arms, kissing hello with familiar enthusiasm. “Let me look at you,” Kel said, when they stopped to breathe. “I didn't recognize you. What have you been up to?”
“I joined the Riders,” Wen said, with a grin. “And I wrote to my father.”
He said the last with high seriousness. Kel cupped his cheek. “Wen, did you..?”
“I didn't tell him,” he said. “Not yet. But I asked him to come to Corus. Just a couple of weeks ago. I told him I joined the Riders. And I told him I had some other news.”
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“Goddess, I missed this,” Kel gasped. Wen's tongue slid over her skin, hot and insistant, in all the ways she loved best. “This is even better than I remembered...” Her words trailed off, voice lost in another gasp.
Suddenly she gripped Wen's shoulders, harder. “Have you been practicing on other girls?”
“Never,” came the answer, in a serious whisper. “Kel, there's nobody like you.” When he spoke, his breath tickled her skin; between phrases, he kissed and sucked and nipped, and the combination nearly drove her mad. “You're the first girl who really looked at me. You've watched out for me. Protected me. You're terrific. I would never, never, do a thing to hurt you.”
For a moment guilt twisted Kel's heart, as she remembered the way another young man had made her feel, that summer.
Then a flick of his tongue brought her back to the moment. “Owen,” she cried, forgetting everything else.
This is more candy. It also draws a line between the way Kel looks out for Wen in this story, and the way canon!Kel and Owen became friends because she was helping him fight bullies. When you get down to it, I think Wen and canon!Owen pretty much feel the same way about Squire Kel.
This scene also alludes to canon!Kel's crush on Dom, and her worry that she's too fickle to be in a serious relationship. Which is maybe foreshadowing (*gasp* more plot!).
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They sat up, face to face, in Kel's bed. She leaned forward to kiss Wen, tasting herself on his lips. She deepened the kiss, leaning forward as she slid her hands down his chest. This time, he didn't try to push her away. She palmed Wen's breasts, small and firm in her hands, and from the response she got, plenty sensitive. “Feels good, doesn't it?” she asked, voice teasingly low.
“Of course it does,” came the answer, almost a groan. “I didn't think you'd want to....”
“Of course I want to.” Kel kissed her way lower, down Wen's chest and stomach, as she trailed fingers between Wen's thighs. He'd changed over the summer – become so much easier in his own skin, even if it would never be what he really wanted – and she was both flattered and excited that he trusted her enough for this. She moved lower yet, mouth never breaking contact, and Wen gasped out her name.
This scene, I'm really not sure I'm qualified to write, but here it is. It makes sense to me that the less Wen has to pretend to be something he's not, the more he'd be able to accept the physical aspect of himself, which he can't change -- so now that he's a rider, instead of pretending to be a lady, it makes zero difference whether he's a boy or a girl, so Kel can make love to him and he can enjoy it. (Again, I'm guessing at this, and I hope it came out the way I meant it.)
I mentioned that, in this story, I see Kel as fundamentally straight. But right now, she's crazy in love with Wen, and sometimes that's enough to supercede a preference for the other sex. If she's honest with herself, she'd probably prefer it if he was physically male -- but he's not, and she's in love with him anyway, and it works. At least for now. (For what it's worth, I don't know how common this response is, but this is an instance where I'm drawing on personal experience, a bit.)
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Kel found Wen sitting at a table in the Riders' mess hall, reading a letter. The expression on his face was intent, so she sat down without interrupting.
“I can't believe it!” he shrieked, suddenly, crumpling the letter in his haste to stand up.
“What..?” she asked, as he hauled her to her feet and enfolded her in a tight hug.
“Kel, look!”
The letter was thrust into Kel's hand, and she began to read.
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Dear Wendy,
I hope you are well. I received your letter, with its surprising news. As your father, I wish you'd seen your way to discussing your decision with me before you went and joined up. But you're a sensible girl, and I suppose you must have a reason for doing it the way you did. I know you've always been good with animals, and a fair shot with a bow, both of which ought to help you now.
I happened to get your letter just when I have some news of my own. You know Lord Edward of Pike's Hill passed on late in the year. In the months since then, I've worked closely with Edward's widow, Lady Andrea, helping her to manage things. You know I've always said it would make more sense to manage Jesslaw and Pike's Hill jointly, instead of as two separate fiefs? Well, we've been doing just that.
And in the process of working together, we fell in love.
Lady Andrea and I were married at the harvest celebration. I know you'll join your brother and sister in wishing us well, and in welcoming your new stepmother when we come to Corus for Midwinter.
There's one other thing, which applies to you, particularly. Wendy, your betrothal to Lord Edgar must be called off: since he is the son of your father's lady wife, he is now, in the eyes of the law, your brother.
I know a betrothal is a serious thing, and Andrea and I considered this carefully. But we love each other very much, well neither you nor Edgar has ever shown a particular desire for the match, beyond a willingness to do your duty to your respective fiefs. Andrea and I agreed that this would be best for everyone. We've written Edgar to let him know, as well.
As I said, we'll be in Corus soon. You're my daughter, Wendy, and Andrea and I will do our best to help you make another match – if that's what you want. But first, perhaps you'd better tell us the piece of news that's even bigger than joining the Riders. Then we'll decide how to proceed.
All my love,
Father
It took me a while to find a way out of Wen's betrothal, and I know this is pretty contrived. But sometimes people do have good luck; sometimes things work out the way you hope. Possibly, I'd have handled it better if I'd been able to put in more time. On the other hand, maybe I wouldn't have, since my goal all along was for this to end well, for all involved.
I really don't think there's anything more I could possibly say about the first half of this fic.
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Commentary on part 2 is here.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-04 04:23 pm (UTC)I think I might've been one of the people to have an "ouch" reaction to Buri's question, mainly because I was empathizing so strongly with Wen at that point. It wasn't that I thought Buri was cruel in asking it (as you said, Wen's androgyny is what's coming into play here) - I just thought that it might hurt a bit to be asked the question (s)he's been asking him/herself for a long time.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-04 06:04 pm (UTC)I think if I write the fuller version of this, one day, I'll have *someone* asking if Wen is a boy or a girl, but it won't be Buri -- because I figure she's had a lot of gender- and/or sexuality-confused teenagers show up in her office over the years, and now that I've thought about it, I think she'd handle it with more sensitivity. But thank you for explaining what was in your mind, there.