Scare Tactics v. Confidence
Jun. 30th, 2010 02:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
peroxidepirateI started writing this as a comment on a G'lake thread, but it got long and off topic, so I'm making it a journal entry instead.
I've mentioned before that I absolutely love this quote, from The Blue Place by Nicola Griffith: "Pain is only a message." This, combined with the way self-defense and general awareness figure in the Aud books, has literally changed my life.
I've always been pretty confident about walking around at night, and going places alone, and so on. The Blue Place, and some related discussion a while back on Nicola's blog, convinced me that this confidence is right; that believing I can take care of myself is justified; that choosing not to curtail my activities based on fear of rape or attack is ok.
You're more likely to be raped in your living room, by someone you trust, than in a dark alley by a stranger. If you try to fight off a rapist, most of the time you'll succeed (though, of course, being the victim of even an attempted rape is a plenty traumatic experience.) These are facts. (This link is to a tangentially related blog entry; I'm trying to find the specific links, but haven't tracked them down yet.)
This kind of thing, on the other hand, is 90% scare tactic, with just enough truth to get under your skin. "Never let yourself or anyone that you know be the "closer" in any type of business (bar, store, restaurant, gas station)." "DON'T walk alone in an alley, or drive in a bad neighborhood at night." "ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. Do not get on an elevator if there is a weirdo already on there." And the one that's unspoken, the one that underlays all the rest: "Never trust anyone." Are you fucking serious? If my friends and I lived by those standards, our lives would be completely different -- and massively more constricted.
I can't help thinking, too, that the scare tactics are a way of keeping women in their place. If you won't walk or drive alone, having a man becomes necessary. If you won't work as a closer, it limits your career options, probably keeps you out of management positions entirely. And taking the elevator instead of the stairs, driving instead of walking... it's a little thing, but when so many of us have weight issues and body image issues and don't have time to go to the gym and can't afford to put gas in the car, it just doesn't make sense.
If you don't trust anyone, you can't make friends or form relationships or do anything withouta man someone to hold your hand.
I call bullshit on that.
Bringing this back to where I started, I've always been some kind of aware that the bullshit scare tactics are just that. But when I was younger, my mother was the one sending me those emails, and I didn't have solid figures -- or confident female role models -- to counter the hysteria. It would have been so easy to slip into believing that stuff, letting my life end up in a little "safe" box... and then where would I be? I imagine I wouldn't be a lesbian chef who commutes by bicycle -- even at night -- any time it's not raining.
Fortunately for me, I found The Blue Place at the right time. I never started making life decisions based on irrational fear.
As for pain being only a message, that's another piece of the puzzle. If someone attacks you, yes, it will hurt. But your world won't end. You'll get back up, and keep going. Pain is only a message. I have to believe that.
I've mentioned before that I absolutely love this quote, from The Blue Place by Nicola Griffith: "Pain is only a message." This, combined with the way self-defense and general awareness figure in the Aud books, has literally changed my life.
I've always been pretty confident about walking around at night, and going places alone, and so on. The Blue Place, and some related discussion a while back on Nicola's blog, convinced me that this confidence is right; that believing I can take care of myself is justified; that choosing not to curtail my activities based on fear of rape or attack is ok.
You're more likely to be raped in your living room, by someone you trust, than in a dark alley by a stranger. If you try to fight off a rapist, most of the time you'll succeed (though, of course, being the victim of even an attempted rape is a plenty traumatic experience.) These are facts. (This link is to a tangentially related blog entry; I'm trying to find the specific links, but haven't tracked them down yet.)
This kind of thing, on the other hand, is 90% scare tactic, with just enough truth to get under your skin. "Never let yourself or anyone that you know be the "closer" in any type of business (bar, store, restaurant, gas station)." "DON'T walk alone in an alley, or drive in a bad neighborhood at night." "ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. Do not get on an elevator if there is a weirdo already on there." And the one that's unspoken, the one that underlays all the rest: "Never trust anyone." Are you fucking serious? If my friends and I lived by those standards, our lives would be completely different -- and massively more constricted.
I can't help thinking, too, that the scare tactics are a way of keeping women in their place. If you won't walk or drive alone, having a man becomes necessary. If you won't work as a closer, it limits your career options, probably keeps you out of management positions entirely. And taking the elevator instead of the stairs, driving instead of walking... it's a little thing, but when so many of us have weight issues and body image issues and don't have time to go to the gym and can't afford to put gas in the car, it just doesn't make sense.
If you don't trust anyone, you can't make friends or form relationships or do anything without
I call bullshit on that.
Bringing this back to where I started, I've always been some kind of aware that the bullshit scare tactics are just that. But when I was younger, my mother was the one sending me those emails, and I didn't have solid figures -- or confident female role models -- to counter the hysteria. It would have been so easy to slip into believing that stuff, letting my life end up in a little "safe" box... and then where would I be? I imagine I wouldn't be a lesbian chef who commutes by bicycle -- even at night -- any time it's not raining.
Fortunately for me, I found The Blue Place at the right time. I never started making life decisions based on irrational fear.
As for pain being only a message, that's another piece of the puzzle. If someone attacks you, yes, it will hurt. But your world won't end. You'll get back up, and keep going. Pain is only a message. I have to believe that.
